moron (brandon_jenner) wrote,

Brody Jenner has done gay porn.

My house was never quiet, never private, and every door was always open. My dad never sat us down for the birds and the bees talk rather openly discussed things we didn't want to hear at the dinner table, in a ploy to get at least Brody and I to convert to some sort of cult where we would never do the dirty deed. But the Jenner boys came out of, you-know-where, ready to get with chicks and those stories are some of the greatest stories ever told. Marriage wasn't one of our family discussions, though. Pops has been married three times, and grandma was even remarried after her divorce so we figured relationships comin' and goin' was the ways of life. It isn't even hazy to me the one time Dad got wild ass intoxicated and carried on and on about how he was so sorry for not showing us a stable relationship. We see it now in what he and Kris have, but growing up, bouncing around was just the facts of life. Mom was once married to our Dad and then tried David on for size, which only gave us the chance to show the world how freakishly out of control we were, and now she's just a serial dater. The full-time job my brother and I will always carry is never approving of any of her boyfriends. We're nice to their face and have all the profound shitty things to say about them behind their back. In all honesty, I wouldn't even find Dad good for her anymore. He's good for Kris and Mom is good being able to go out and party like one of the boys, which is fucking awkward pretty much all the time. There is only so many times you can hear someone call your mom a MILF or something equally disgusting before you want to start giving out right hooks for free.

Despite the cute little blonde named Leah I carry around with me from time to time, I'm just not ready to give anyone the opportunity to become my future ex-wife yet. I think I'm destined to take after my mom and call each girl my girlfriend or something worse and have the opportunity to call her, or not call her at all. Soon enough I'll be thirty but I'll always use the excuse that I've got a lot of growing up left to do and that includes finding out if marriage is right for me. That's where the funny part comes in. My little brother has always been my tag-along, and even when it was annoying and I wanted to tear his head off, I always (forcibly) found a way to deal. As we got older, having him as a sidekick got pretty kick ass because I knew when my blind date brought in the ugly chick as her secret weapon to find out if I was a 'good guy', little bro would have my back immediately and put on the charm, with the help of beer goggles of course. I can't count high enough to tally the number of cherished items of Mom's that we broke when I tripped him when he was already having a bad day and he tried to kick my ass in retaliation. There were the chicks I had to call and harrass with unheard of names to make up for the things they did or said to him only to somehow have mother find out and proceed to give me the lecture the both of us can recite as she preaches it. Then there is the pussies that tried to mess with him only to find out what asphalt feels like when it's sliding across their cheek and that kicks to the ribs don't feel so great the next morning. I distracted one or both parents while he stumbled in incoherent, lucky to be alive and ready to pass out so that he wouldn't get earlier noted lecture on top of his hangover. I give him more shit than I do props but at the end of the day I'd take seventy-five to life for my little brother and this will more than likely be the only time I'll admit it, but he knows it.

I guess the point to all of this is now the terror that sucker punched me when we were tykes but cried when he got it back recently turned 25 and is living with a little blonde psycho he's planning on marrying. As much as I'd like to, I'm not going to start a pool on whether or not he's going to ever have an ex-wife because I really think lil' bro has got it right this time. Somehow through all of the fights we've witnessed and divorces we've supported our parents through and those shitty ass tears we've watched our mom cry, he figured out exactly what they wanted for us and was able to put down the bottle and his playa card for long enough to realize he caught something. This is in replacement of the embarrassing shit I was going to share for your birthday, little bro. I hope you know how proud we all are of you, you awful piece of shit. I only wish you the best and you know I've got your back.
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